Grebler invited me to a “research screening” of the film adaptation of Mordechai Richler’s “Barney’s Version” earlier this evening. This post began taking shape during the movie.  Duh.

I read the book many years ago and loved it although I couldn’t remember most of the details beyond the fact that Barney Pinovsky had multiple wives, was a bit of a rogue and that he’d messed up his relationships through his rogueish behaviour.  Seeing the movie tonight, I thought he was more ‘charming asshole’ than ‘rogue’ but maybe that’s how Paul Giamatti (brilliantly) played him. An unapologetically charming asshole at that. Maybe that’s why Barney’s a national hero in Italy.  For my purposes, this matters not.

What does matter is that he has the courage to be himself and not care so much what others may think.  Of course, Barnery Pinovsky is a fictional character, Zane Caplansky is not.

A couple days ago, someone blogged about coming to the deli with a group of Twitterers (Tweeps) and referred to me in her blog as Zane “Caplansky” Caplan.  I sent a nice note thanking her for her kind words and let her know that I’d legally changed my name to Caplansky.  Thus her reference was factually incorrect.  However, she chose not to edit her blog and that bugs me a little.  I’m not “Caplansky”.  I’m Caplansky.  What’s the difference?  Why do I care?

Two years ago, just before my 40th birthday and just before opening my sandwich shop in the Monarch Tavern I changed my name. On the most basic level, I felt that “Caplansky’s” sounded like a better deli name than “Caplan’s” and if it was to be authentic I should have the same name as my business.  But there were deeper reasons.  Unlike Barney, I had difficulty feeling good about expressing my inner charming asshole.  Zane Caplan wanted everyone to like him.  Zane Caplansky calls influential food writers “fuckers” if he feels they’re being unfair.

I imagine my great-grandfather, Benjamin Caplanski, probably changed his name in order to fit in better with Canadian society.  Changing my name back and spelling it my own way, was a way for me to express that I fit in just fine the way I am.  I could finally be myself and feel good about that regardless of whether I fail or succeed because those terms “failure” and “success” can only be subjective.

Believe me, operating a sandwich shop out of a dive bar on Clinton Avenue isn’t anyone’s idea of being a success except mine.  That’s because it was me being me.  There was neither social prestige nor great wealth.  Just pure authenticity.  In fact, when I was a little boy and was asked what I want to be when I grew up, I used to say I wanted to own a restaurant.  The fact that I’ve been able to outgrow that space and open something wonderful on College Street is similarly the realisation of a long held dream.  This may not be what anyone wanted for me but its more than I could have ever hoped for for myself.

Zane Caplan never felt good about himself.  He was always trying to please others and win approval.  His relationships were co-dependent, his successes short lived and his failures excruciating. Zane Caplan needed to seem perfect and almost destroyed himself in the process.  Zane Caplansky isn’t perfect and doesn’t care who knows.  I fuck up and I blog about it.  I live out loud.  If I fail or succeed on your terms I really couldn’t care less.  What matters is that I’m true to myself and never stop growing into the most charming asshole I can be.

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