Believe it or not I’ve sat down a dozen times over the last few weeks and each time I ended up saving some rambling thing I wrote without posting it.  It was either too personal, too boring, too kvetchy or just not up to my… standards?  I put it that way because I get far too many comments from people about how much they enjoy reading my blog so now I’m self-conscious about what I write.  That’s my problem: I’ve started to care far too much about what you think of me – not just my food but me and I think its unhealthy.

When I started this adventure it was all about a brisket, a cure, a little smoke, some spice and fresh rye bread.  Gourmet Magazine, Maxim Magazine, Joanne Kates, Bonnie Stern, Corey (Goddam) Mintz, Ruth Reichl, Steven Davey, Geddy Lee, Louis Black and all the outrageous and disproportionate press and public attention I’ve received weren’t part of the plan.  I’m not complaining – not one bit but I am saying that all this stuff has affected me.  I feel a sense of pressure, expectation and responsibility that I’m not sure I ever wanted and I’m not sure this is healthy either.  In fact I know its not.  Evidence? I’ve been yelling at my people and I’ve even been sharp with some customers.  This is not a recipe for success.

Fortunately, I have people around me who love me and with their support I’m learning how to deal with this.  In fact, I’m learning how to relax and enjoy my life but the intervention didn’t come a moment too soon because if Mr. Warhol is right, I’ve only got a few minutes left.  Would you believe perfect strangers send me messages on Facebook telling me I’m an asshole for yelling at my peeps in the dining room? Its true and they’re right.  That behavior qualifies as assholesque and I am guilty of it.  I did apologize to those involved but the damage was done.  That and another incident I won’t go into out of sheer embarrassment (think asshole x infinity) made me see two things:

1 I need help dealing with the pressure and

2 I need a day off

Number One I addressed a couple weeks ago when I found a new therapist.  Number Two I accomplished yesterday – mostly.  See, Monday night I was driving home after dropping off my date (it’s a secret – don’t tell anyone) when I noticed my crew left the lights on in the deli when they closed.  It was about 1 am and I went in to check on the close.  They did great ‘cept for the lights but as I was leaving I noticed the smoker, my (Southern) pride and joy was idle.  I took off my sweater and made six trips up and down the stairs loading her up.  With sweat rolling down my forehead I went looking for the spice blend.  Looking, looking, looking and not finding.  I found the barrel but it was empty but for a handful or two.

Its now 2.30 am and I called Danny Griesdorf, our brilliant and talented chef.  ”Please tell me you’ve hidden the spice,” I asked, hoping that was true and not at all surprised that he was awake.   I didn’t yell or anything which was good because  it wasn’t his fault. Unloading the smoker went faster than loading and I was home by 3.30 am.  Danny and I met for dim sum and then went to Little India to pick up spices and blend them for service.  Mentsch that he is, Danny wouldn’t allow me to step foot in the deli but went in himself on HIS day off to blend spices and get the smoker smoking.

Danny is representative of the quality of the people I’ve assembled.  Maybe that’s not exactly true because his is an exceptional talent.  I’ve seen and worked with many great chefs and he is as good as any of them.  Delicious, fast, consistent, clean and true to deli tradition Danny makes it happen like no one else could.  But like the rest of my team he works extraordinarily hard to please me and my very demanding customers.  Yelled at?  They should get Club Med vacations (or at least a health plan).

Since my sin was very public, so must be apology: I am sorry.  My behavior was deplorable, disrespectful and wrong in every way. I am taking action to ensure it never happens again and am trying to make amends to those I’ve wronged.  I’m working hard to be the kind of deli-man they deserve to work for.  Mostly I want to thank everyone for sticking with me.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 21st, 2009 at 9:51 pm and is filed under Caplanskys. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.